My coworker: Derek, we can put this project off a couple of weeks. What do you think?
Me: I’m a morbidly obese hypertensive who could drop dead at any minute. I say we just get it over with.
Other people on the meeting: …
My coworker: I thought you’d want to get it done ASAP.
My son Stephen was getting ready to wash the dishes, so he asked me “Where’s the sponge?” Without missing a beat, I responded “In a pineapple under the sea.”
It took him a few seconds to get what I was talking about, but the confused look on his face was priceless.
I love being a father.
There are a lot of benefits to working at home and I appreciate that my employer has given me the opportunity. However, one thing that no one ever tells you about working from home and telecommuting is that if you don’t start your car every day, or at least several times a week, then the battery will die.
Trust me, I learned this lesson first hand.
My thoughts on St. Patrick’s Day are quite simple. If you refer to it as “Amateur Night for Drinking”, then most likely you are an asshole and have a drinking problem.’
Beyond that, I don’t get gifts or the day off, so I don’t care.
UPDATE: Tomato. I can’t believe I forgot that one.
UPDATE 2: Garlic and lamb should also be on the list.
I’m pretty sure there may be at least one more, but I cannot remember it right now. I will update this post if I can remember what it was.
Does anyone have any recipes that doesn’t include any of these ingredients?
I am going into the hospital today for an outpatient procedure (Hint: It rhymes with Schmolonoscopy) and therefore have been on a clear liquid diet for the past 24 hours. In fact, the last solid thing I ate was a plate of crab legs on Saturday night (delicious by the way). Since then I have had lots of water, some chicken broth and some Jello.
What should I eat afterwards? Any suggestions?
I think it is easy to say that one of my biggest fans is my son Stephen. I am learning how to use my new (to me) Wacom Bamboo and it is going slow. I am not a very good drawer under the best of circumstances and learning to draw on something other than paper has taken my “skills” and marginalized them even more.
However, every time I start drawing a picture, Stephen comes over to me and tells me that it is awesome and he wishes how he could draw like me. I am really honored that he likes it but more often than not, I restart GIMP and mutter “Sorry son, but it sucks.” Each and every time.
I need to remember that he watches everything I do because I notice that he has been throwing away unfinished drawings because he is totally dissatisfied with how they look. I wonder how much of that is because he is trying to improve and how much of that is because he is imitating me.
I could get up early stand in a line with a bunch of strangers who will turn openly hostile the second the doors open so that we can all fight over things that we don’t really need but are 40 to 60 percent off of the regular price.
I can stay at home in my nice warm bed and sleep.
Guess which one I am going to do?
If I ever have a phone conversation that includes the phrase “I’m calling about a personal matter.” I’m answering with “Oh, I’m sorry, this phone is only for business matters. You’ll have to call a different line.”
And if they ask for the personal number, I will tell them “I’m sorry, I can’t give out personal information on the business line.”
And so on and so forth.
Yes, I want to be an asshole when I grow up.